The destination for the third annual Allstars tour? Where else but a city famed for its rich cricketing heritage and perennial popularity with English jack-the-lads on weekends away. Belfast. There was a convoluted background to this choice of venue. I had originally intended us to go to Dublin, but after struggling to find suitable opponents I enlisted the help of my then colleague, the broadcaster Henry Kelly, once an active club cricketer in the Irish capital. He had no joy there, so instead referred us to a remarkable man by the name of Robin Walsh, an old mate of his from Ulster television. Well-connected in the Northern Irish cricket scene, Robin proceeded with extraordinary kindness to fix up two scratch sides for us to play, and even arranged a mates' rate at the Europa, the province's finest hotel. And so began our epic four days in Belfast, memorable not least for the unremitting warmth and generosity of the city's people, and the almost unbelieveable grace of the cricketers who so outclassed us.

An uneventful flight out from Heathrow on BMI: Roger's luggage survived unscathed. The tour party took an unfamiliar form, with several last minute replacements hastily found for those who had dropped out at short notice for reasons ranging from ill health to pressure of work and spending four weeks sailing at the Athens Olympics. It was good though to have Chris Hipwell on board for his first tour, alongside fellow debutants Alex Williamson, Andy McIntosh, Rahoul Bhansali and Nick Chadwick.

Belfast is not a spectacular city, but more cosmopolitan and upwardly-mobile than first-time visitors might expect. One thing it can boast of, in spades, is pubs. There seemed to be hundreds of them. We were not displeased to discover this, and therefore spent the remainder of Thursday paying tribute to the city's culture in the time-honoured manner of a pub crawl. Our need for physical and athletic preparedness was not ignored though - we fitted in a couple of games of pool too. My favourite pub was probably the ornate and much-celebrated Crown, the only boozer I've ever drunk in which is owned by the National Trust.

Friday morning's activity was a taxi tour of the Troubles, a fascinating experience. Our guide, the driver, was a friendly and articulate man, but one we suspected had seen a bit of action in his time. His arms were like girders, and they were embossed with garish tatoos so deep and thick and textured it seemed as if he had had wires pushed under his skin. Not a fellow to mess with, we concluded. First stop was the Loyalist stronghold of the Shanklin Road, whose scale appeared at odds with its notoriety - it constitutes just a few quiet streets. In one sense it's a normal housing estate, whose residents have their everyday lives to get on with. In another, it's a living mausoleum to sectarian tribalism, with its paving stones, painted red, white and blue, the flags atop each house - St Andrew's saltires, the crosses of Saints George and Patrick - and the huge murals on the walls. Various commemorating the Battle of the Boyne, or, in the manner of tombstones, local heroes who fell in the Troubles, or marking the territory of a particular Loyalist regiment, the murals are extraordinary things to witness. Painstakingly executed with genuine artistic skill, they are beautiful yet sinister at the same time.

Taxi tours are a tourist staple of Belfast, but it seemed to us incongruous to see the local kids nonchalantly playing on their bikes, heedless of the cabs full of camera-bedecked visitors who pulled up into the estate every few minutes, like buses. Our driver assuaged our apprehensions. "Get out lads. Stretch your legs - take a few photos. The people here won't mind."

Between the Protestant and Catholic areas of West Belfast is the infamous Wall, erected to stop people from hurling deadly projectiles at each other. Nowadays, in more conciliatory times, it's sometimes referred to as the Peace Wall. We signed it, as all vistors do - the driver carries with him a marker pen for this very purpose. Of all the things written and spoken about Northern Ireland's turbulent history, it remains to be seen how 'Allstars were here, 2004' will be interpreted by future generations. The people and taxi in the picture are on a tour similar to ours.

Murals are more closely identified with Loyalist rather than Republican culture, but the Catholic Falls Road has them too, albeit of a slightly different style. Many of these murals are statements of solidarity with communities in other parts of the world who fight for independence or freedom.

After the taxi tour we rendezvoused again with our host Robin Walsh. It is fair to describe Robin as a bit of a character, but he is also one of the kindest, funniest and most generous men I have ever met. He had put himself out to an extravagant degree to make our visit to Belfast possible. We had already met him briefly in the Crown the previous afternoon, and it soon became clear, over the course of several rapid vodka and cokes, that Robin would not allow us to overshadow him in the drinking stakes. Now, on Friday afternoon, after coining the new tour catchphrase - "where - the fuck! - is Maxie?"- Robin would not permit our minibus to leave for the match until Adam and I had helped him consume a not strictly necessary bottle of white wine. Our journey to the ground then took several enforced detours as Robin ordered the driver to find a petrol station selling cigarettes. This achieved, we eventually arrived at Shaw's Bridge to be deeply overawed by the splendour of its state of the art facilities. Assisted by lottery funding, the Instonians-Cooke Collegians ground is a mightily impressive multi-sports venue, replete with two proper cricket squares, hockey fields, a well-equipped pavilion, and even boasting an electronic scoreboard. All in all, a bit good for the Allstars.

Our opponents for Friday night's twenty over a side thrash were the Instonians-Cooke Collegians XI, and their competency at cricket reflected the status of the surroundings. Their batsmen greedily tucked in to our bowling, with one in particular taking a fancy to Devers's 'even-slower' ball. As countless huge sixes were driven over his head off a length, I sensed that One Dart's morale was beginning to sap. It is conceivable that the word 'cunt' may have slipped from his lips at one point. The XI amassed 133-2 from their twenty overs, but in reply we made a decent fist of it with the bat. Tristan made an unbeaten 33, Adam 30* and Chris 30* as we reached 119-7 to lose by 14 runs.

(L-R, from top:) TAR Haddow-Allen, JFG Devlin, RB Pordes, NC Chadwick, RV Bhansali, MJC Haddow-Allen (capt.), J Terrett (wk), CG Hipwell, AC Clements, AM Williamson. We played with ten men as Andy Mac was unable to arrive until after the game.

It's hard to convey just how friendly and hospitable the oppo were, and were in absolutely no hurry, Robin especially, to bring the post-match drinking to an end. They even laid on a barbecue.

We repaired to the Europa, and the joys of the hotel bar which never closed. Fabulous place, Northern Ireland.

Increasingly pissed, we befriended random locals.

As the vodka Red Bulls flowed, Adam appeared increasingly amorous. I'm sure Devers will be flattered by this photograph, but on Five Cocks' part, the gallantry of attempting to seduce someone who's asleep is surely suspect.

As usual, Saturday was golf day. On this occasion, play was delayed by a long and acrimonious bout of negotiation between us and the course groundstaff, who were reluctant to provide each of eleven idiots with a set of clubs. We've had this problem before with mass golf trips on tour - you have to virtually beg the course to take your money. Eventually we brought them round, but problems persisted. The clubs available for hire comprised several hundred sand wedges, still in the wrapping, but not much else. This did little to improve anyone's game, and the details of how Rahoul and I fared with a left-handed putter are too gruesome to be described on a family website.

The traditional Saturday night gala dinner. Can't remember the name of the restaurant, or indeed much about it at all. I was asleep for most of it.

The meal was followed by FMT auditions in a nearby bar. The girl on the right, whose name may have been Wendy, came to watch us play the next day.

A slip cradle is an excellent tool for sharpening reflexes and honing fielding skills - with the proviso that you can aim the ball at the cradle in the first place. We just couldn't hit the fucker, reducing Sunday's pre-match preparations to a farcical display of eleven twits pointlessly hurling cricket balls into the ground. This did not augur well for our impending 40 over a side match against Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers. And neither did our physical condition. We're always hungover for the Sunday match, but this was taking the piss. Nearly everyone was unwell, with Roger complaining ominously of chest pains and breathing problems. Chris, captain for the day, set the general tone with the unpromising news that "I've got water coming out of my arse". Such being the mood, it will not suprise regular readers of this site that Sunday 15th August 2004 was not one of St Anne's Allstars' finest days on the field. The Cavaliers won the toss and batted first on a true and even pitch, as flat as Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. A composite side of Robin's cricketing friends, many of whom had played in the Friday game, the oppo were a lovely bunch of chaps, but proper club cricketers to a man and far too strong for our bowling even on a good day. After forty overs of retrieving the ball from the boundary, we'd allowed the Cavaliers to reach 214-6, and the total would surely have been higher had not batsmen been obliged to retire at 40.

Our innings was a shambles from the start. Tristan and Terrett, opening up, both went for ducks, and 0-2 quickly became 27-4 after Chris Hipwell above, at the non-striker's end had shuffled his way to 11. To the right of the sightscreen is the electronic scoreboard.

Alex provided the greatest resistance, with a 23 ball 13.

Another classical play-and-miss from the Big Gay maestro.

I like to get my priorities right while umpiring, and amid the debris of falling wickets took the opportunity to get this close-up action shot of Devers taking guard. This technique may well spread to the first class game, so keep your eye out for Rudi Koertzen fishing a Kodak disposable out of his white coat pocket. Meanwhile, we were all out for 76 in 31 overs and lost by, ahem, 138 runs. Andy Mac top scored with 19.

After such a stinging defeat, the chaps always resist the post-match photocall, and this one had to be done virtually at gunpoint. Even I look a bit pissed off, and it was my idea. (L-R, from top:) JFG Devlin, RB Pordes, VR Bhansali, TAR Haddow-Allen, AC Clements, J Terrett (wk), AJ McIntosh, CG Hipwell (capt.), AM Williamson, MJC Haddow-Allen.

The Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers. Robin Walsh is on the right on the bench, with the stripes on his jersey v-neck. To his right is the very endearing Carson Rose, who at seventy five kept wicket better than any of our lot have at twenty five, and is also the Instonians-Cooke Collegians groundsman.

Once back in the bar, our mood was much improved, and much booze was taken all round. Our hosts, generous to the last, organised a little presentation ceremony, in which Chadders above was awarded the Allstars player of the tour, and we were each given official Irish Cricket Union commemorative ties from the visits of Australia and West Indies. And with this touching and gentlemanly gesture, another classic tour drew to a close.

Maxie Allen

Here's the hosts' report on our tour, which I think was written by Robin. Ludicrously, it appeared on the Irish Cricket Union website, and in turn, therefore, Cricinfo, as if we were the MCC or something.

The All Stars are a friendly, wandering cricket club based in south-west London - a side with unique commitments to nourishing the game's grass roots and bolstering publicans' revenues across the UK.

Their main vision is to provide their members the opportunity to play social cricket, whatever their ability or background, and to offer opponents enjoyable fixtures in convivial company. They play over 20 games a season and travelled to Northern Ireland for the first time to play two matches over the weekend.

On Friday they were narrowly defeated by a combined Cooke Collegians / Instonians eleven. However the highlight of their weekend was the challenge match on Sunday against the Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers captained by NCU Vice President Robin Walsh.

The Cavaliers side included NCU Chairman Bryan Milford, Brian Walsh - Cricket Development Officer for Northern Ireland and NCU Sponsorship Officer Richard Johnson.

Brian Walsh top scored with 41 before retiring and there were also useful contributions from Brian Haggarty 40 and James Shannon 39 in the Cavaliers total of 214 for 6 off their 40 overs.

In reply, the All Stars lost two wickets before a run was posted and struggled against all the bowlers. Richard Johnson bowled a nagging length and was rewarded with a wicket in his short spell. Bryan Milford's superb acrobatic catch at extra cover deservedly won him the Magnum for the Champagne moment. Robin Walsh rotated his bowlers as they all showed signs of fatigue and eventually brought himself on to take two wickets as the All Stars closed on 76 in 31 overs. Ex Instonians wicket keeper Carson Rose kept a tidy wicket (if not a tidy shirt) as he fearlessly stood up to all the bowlers.

The match finished before the light finally faded and after a quick shower the game was replayed over a few light refreshments in the clubhouse.

Shaw's Bridge 15 August 2004

Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers beat St Anne's All Stars by 138 runs.

Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers 214-6 (40 overs, Brian Walsh 41 retired, Brian Haggarty 40 retired, James Shannon 39)

St Anne's All Stars 76 (31 overs)

For further information on St Anne's All Stars visit their website - www.stannesallstars.com

Scoreboards

Friday 13th August

(20 overs a side, maximum 5 a bowler, batsmen retire at 30)

Instonians-Cooke Collegians XI 133-2 (Johnston 33*, Wheatley-Smith 30*, Irwin 30*, TAR Haddow-Allen 1-14) beat St Anne's Allstars 119-7 (TAR Haddow-Allen 33*, Clements 30*, Hipwell 30*, Johnston 2-8) by 14 runs.

Sunday 15th August

(40 overs a side, maximum 8 a bowler, batsmen retire at 40)

Shaw's Bridge Cavaliers 214-6 (Hegarty 40*, Shannon 39, Walsh 41*, Clements 2-32) beat St Anne's Allstars 76 (McIntosh 19, Williamson 13) by 138 runs.

Other tours: Newquay, 2002 Isle of Wight, 2003 Menorca, 2005.