The 2006 St Anne's Allstars Festival

Sunday 2nd July 2006, Barnes Common. Felix Sucks beat Nelson Mandelas by 9 wickets.

By James Terrett

Our first festival day was a brilliant success: in terms of both the match and the off-field organising, it couldn’t have gone any better. Unfortunately I arrived a little late, but the first innings was well under way and Felix Haddow-Allen’s team Nelson Mandelas had amassed a decent score and everyone seemed to be enjoying the game in the field. More importantly, and in a move that echoes Sven Goran Eriksson’s Baden Baden tactics, for the first time ever in Allstars history, we invited our very own Allstar WAGs along to enjoy this feast of cricket. No-one danced on the tables in celebration in Barnes Common, though.

We did actually have a large number of spectators, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and also keenly watching the events unfold in this tense two innings-a-side, 15 over slogging affair. I understand that my team, Felix Sucks XI, bowled very well early on, particularly James Abrahams and Alex Williamson, although by the time I turned up, we were getting some tap, with the full repertoire of rank longhops, leg stump full tosses and hand grenade beamers being despatched with ease by Felix's friend Matt (30 ret’d) and Tristan Haddow-Allen (18). The score of 125 for 6 was about par and gave skipper and Hove-based demon fast bowler, Nick Chadwick some concerns. To combat these, he sent out Maxie Haddow-Allen as opening bat, no doubt thinking that the extra pressure of his family, his friends from work and several good looking ladies all watching him, he would be eager to impress with the cultured knock we all know he has in him. With the inevitability of an England penalty fiasco, Maxie struck one straight to Matt and set off for absolutely no reason whatsoever. An easy return to the keeper and he had ran himself out, second ball of the innings. This is probably the fifteenth time he has run himself out in similar circumstances. Even the fifteenth time is still incredibly amusing.

There then flowed an exceptional run of batting. Simon Abrahams (30 ret’d), James Devlin (30 ret’d) and Simon Begley (30 ret’d) not only struck the maximum score permitted but did so incredibly quickly, achieving a lead on the Mandelas' total with ease. Anything rubbish got the treatment, with much of the time spent looking for balls in the Barnes Common undergrowth. There were some good performances amongst Mandelas' bowling however - Gus Grant bowling Adam Clements, and a very useful couple of overs from Jenny Thompson elicited a few edges which unfortunately went to ground. With a huge lead looking possible, Tristan came on and quickly took wickets, including that of Richard Thompson, to put the brakes on the Sucks total. At 152 for 5, however, the Felix Sucks XI were pleased to hold the advantage going into tea.

And what a tea it was. Buoyed by the potential for large numbers of spectators, we had catered for about seventy, with an enormous selection of salads, meats and booze. Scratch in particular enjoyed the red wine, and the heat helped to make it extremely pleasant for all the spectators, further excited by an excellent James Abrahams organised raffle.

The start of the Mandelas' second innings saw me bowling (well, throwing) to Jason Nixon – a canvass for a comedy masterpiece if there ever was one. Sure enough my delivery just managed to pitch on the cut part of the pitch (after a few minutes in the air) and Jason duly swung his bat like he was clubbing to death a violent cat, smashing the ball to long on. After watching Chadders let three boundaries go though his legs the previous innings, then watching him down four Stellas and three beefburgers at the interval, I was not confident of a decent stop from my skipper. Nor was Jason. He duly waited until Chadders, sprinting in like a sweating stallion, cleanly took the pick up and let fly at the stumps from 30 metres, running Jason out in unbelievable fashion. Rather than celebrate the fall of the wicket, everyone was laughing at the ridiculousness of the dismissal, so professional yet so completely out of character with the game.

Devers then came on from the Devers end, and duly bowled Gus Grant and then Tim Ford to leave Mandelas in trouble and requiring a big knock from their talisman Tristan. Out came one of the most memorable bits of theatre ever seen. In I bowled, expecting to be put somewhere in Roehampton, when Tristan makes a misjudgement and Scratch takes the ball, whipping off the bails to leave Tristan stranded and stumped for 0. I squealed like a girl and ran to Scratch a la Paulo Rossi after his World Cup demolition of Brazil. Sensing a famous victory in our grasps, the team suddenly pulled out their David Pleat impressions, skipping across the pitch to celebrate the most unexpected wicket in the world. To round things off, we quickly formed a circular group hug, much like one you’d see in a nightclub like 'Chasers' during the Frank Sinatra classic 'New York, New York. at the end of a drunken night out. All rather homosexual if you ask me.

It required something special from the remaining batsmen to leave the Felix Sucks XI with a tough target, and Tom Chicken started swinging the willow, ably assisted by some poor fielding. He was put down twice on the boundary, all off Devers’s bowling, until Simon Abrahams took another Chicken hoik. To make matters worse for Mandelas, Clements bowled like a demon and removed the danger man Matt, unbelievably caught by Maxie despite it “being in the sun.” Rich Thompson then polished off the tail, removing Jim Jarrett with a tame top-edge straight to the ever-reliable Devers. It was a wicket party.

The target to get for Felix Sucks was 56, which was obviously far too low, although an early bowled Garreth Duncan was Tony Grant’s victim. Skipper Chadwick then joined me at the crease and we knocked off the remaining runs without too much to worry about. Everyone got a bat, everyone who wanted (and who didn’t) got a bowl and most of all everyone really enjoyed it. Special mentions in the speech afterwards were for Jason and Maxie’s dismissals, but champagne moment was rightly awarded to Scratch and me, for removing Tristan in such an amusing manner.

All the thanks must go to Tristan. I can’t imagine the hassle of organising an event such as this, not helped by the “assistance” from various members of his family to wind him up at regular intervals. He really did an excellent job. Everyone had a fantastic time, and I for one am already looking forward to next year.

A spectating-only Richard Eager, Simon Abrahams, his girlfriend Kelly, James Abrahams's daughter Grace, and her heavily pregnant mother Jo.




From left - someone we can't quite recognise but is probably Tom Chicken, Richard Eager, Felix Haddow-Allen's friend Matt, Tristan Haddow-Allen, Felix's girlfriend Kate, and Felix himself.




James Devlin, Alex Williamson, Jason Nixon's girlfriend Vicky, Lara Clements (Adam's wife), Julia Thompson (Richard's wife), Adam Clements, Joy Haddow-Allen (mother of Maxie, Tristan and Felix).




In the centre of the seated trio in the foreground, Jenny Thompson.




Jo Abrahams (plus unborn child), Tori Ford (Tim's wife), Tim Ford, Julia Thompson.




The Haddow-Allen parents - Bill and Joy.




That bloke we don't recognise again, Matt, Felix, Richard Eager, Tristan, Simon Begley, and, in the foreground on the bench, Roger Pordes.




Resurrecting an old theme, Jason Nixon. Vicky, and Alex Williamson, are to his right.




On the bench in the foreground, Garreth Duncan and Richard Thompson.




Nearest camera, Allstars scorer Tom Everest.




The start of what appears to be the fourth innings, but we can's quite remember. Devers is in the keeper's gloves and Terrett, we think, is the padded-up batsman.




Mandelas' captain Felix Haddow-Allen scratches his head as Nick Chadwick walks out to the crease.




Chadders is on strike, as Tony Grant steps up to bowl.




Despite Tony's accuracy, Terrett (on strike here) and Chadders seal victory for Felix Sucks.




Accepting from Tristan the award for winning captain, Felix Sucks skipper Nick Chadwick.




Man of the match James Devlin.




Award for champagne moment number one: MHA, for his excellent second ball run-out.




Champagne moment number two: Terrett, for his part in Tristan's downfall.