Heartaches cause headache

Sunday 19th June, Stonor Park, Oxfordshire. St Anne's Allstars (108) lost to Heartaches (210-2, 33.4 overs) by 102 runs.

By Maxie Allen

I was flattered, to say the least, when the Heartaches rang up and asked if we fancied a fixture. Led by the lyricist Sir Tim Rice, the Hearts are one of the country's oldest and most famous wandering sides, and usually rub shoulders with opponents of a far more distinguished and accomplished nature than the Allstars. The invitation came after Marcus Berkmann from the Rain Men put them on to us, and arrived in the form of a phone call from their fixture secretary Eileen when we were in the departure lounge at Gatwick waiting to fly to Menorca. As I was talking to her about the fixture a mental image formed of the quintessential English village cricket match in all its aesthetic glory: a timeless vision of gentility, serenity and decorum. I pictured the parish curate opening the batting with the local blacksmith. I saw crisp white flannels, cucumber sandwiches, and all in all, the kind of civilised and gentlemanly atmosphere in which cricket should always properly be played. Before me, though, was the real image of the Allstars touring squad - chaotically laying waste to the North Terminal's Kronenburg reserves amid the smoky bedlam of the airport bar. There reigned a cacophany of swearing and abuse; Jason's Mount Gay had sparked uproar; parents were ushering small children to safety and an armed police unit was preparing to intervene. This unseemly spectacle could not be squared with the prospect of a visit to the Heartaches. A culture clash, I feared, lay ahead.

But ultimately my worries proved unfounded. Come the day, we acquitted ourselves perfectly respectably and, unlike on tour, we got through the episode with no broken arms nor James Abrahams walking in to a display of gin bottles. The venue was the ridiculously beautiful Stonor Park in Oxfordshire - the kind of idyllic cricket ground which makes you feel you've wandered into a John Arlott poem. Beforehand we'd met up with Sir Tim and his team-mates at the Crown pub in the wonderfully-named nearby village of Pishill. The Hearts' leader proudly introduced us to his new dog and I went about my usual self-important routine of schmoozing a new and prestigious set of opponents. The key, as I saw it, lay in giving the impression that we played matches like this every week, instead of our actual usual fare of 22 yobs in a bloodbath on a Chiswick park. To break the ice I'd considered us bringing along a few props and instruments and performing a tribute medley of songs from Evita - a plan only shelved when the practical difficulties of staging the balcony scene became insurmountable, and after the realisation that, in the role of Juan Peron, Rahoul was almost certainly miscast.

To the actual cricket, then, and as luck would have it I lost the toss on a scorching day and we were condemned to a long session in the field. In the absence of Tristan, for the first ever time in an Allstars match, it fell to Nick Chadwick to lead the attack. He bowled very well, and Richard Eager, Paul Nicol and Chris Hipwell all lent solid support, but the pitch was very flat and the batsmen just too good. Especially the left-handed Bill Heath, who blasted his way to an imperious and unbeaten 102. In difficult conditions I thought we fielded in robust spirit, but wickets were almost impossible to come by and the opening stand was worth 163 by the time Graham Flood top edged Hipwell and wicketkeeper Chris Gould took a good catch. When the declaration came after an innings which had felt much longer than 32.4 overs, the Heartaches had racked up an imposing 210-2.

What appetite we'd lacked in the middle now surfaced for the task of putting away a magnificent tea, and then it was our turn to bat. Our hopes rested squarely on Liam Mulcahy, who in his last innings had scored a superb century against Balham Roamers. So it was just a little demoralising when he was out to the second ball of the innings, prodding to silly mid-off. From there it was an uphill task, and we could only make it to the nursery slopes. Felix Haddow-Allen and Richard Eager both applied themselves diligently for 23 each, and by the time the pair were dismissed we were 63-3 and the draw was still possible. But after Hipwell's brief flurry was ended by a brilliant catch at long-off all optimism faded, and Paul, Rahoul "Sweetlips" Bhansali, Chris Gould and I departed in quick succession, while Chicken was stumped off Rice to provide a wicket two-thirds of whose elements were foodstuffs. It was a shame their 'keeper wasn't called Peas. Roger Pordes just had time to raise smiles with two elegant on-drives before we were all out for 108 in 30.3 overs. For the fielding side, Alan Rossdale stole the show - bowling unchanged throughout the innings for 6-45 from 15.3 overs.

In cricketing terms, we'd been signally outclassed. But I'd like to think we conducted ourselves with dignity and good manners. The match was played in an indisputably friendly and generous-spirited atmosphere, and everyone was very nice to each other back in the pub afterwards. Not for nothing have the Heartaches earned a reputation as excellent hosts and opponents, and the unanimous team view was that this was a fixture we'd very much like to retain for the future.

The Heartaches' perspective - match report by Sir Tim Rice

A run of 12 matches without victory for the Clava Rectans was finally brought to an end against new opponents St. Anne’s All-Stars, a jovial lot apparently based in Barnes. Had this been realised beforehand a lot of petrol could have been saved, for the leader anyway. But it was a scorching day, not one for hanging around town. Ten old lags and Bill Heath jr., apparently inordinately keen for a cap (just 2 more to go after this one, unless the rules are changed) were delighted to savour the 90-degree stuff in the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside.

The leader won the toss and amazed all by not inserting. This was partly because it looked like a good track to bat on and a good afternoon in which it was best to expose just two of your team to sunstroke at any one time, but mainly because there were considerable admin matters to deal with in the first hour of the game, such as breaking into the locked pavilion, keeping new dog under control etc. It proved to be a wise, nay brilliant, decision.

Flash and young Heath looked in control from ball one. This is not to imply that the bowling was below par – indeed it was pretty tight to begin with – after 4 overs the score was just 8, and after 15 no more than 58. It was just a good day for batting and particularly for good batters which the Hearts openers certainly were. Gradually they ground St.Anne’s finest into the dust. The heat intensified, the crowd basked in the rays of the sun and the domination of the bat. Pryke’s pooch was the most active thing beyond the boundary in the entire postal district.

As the score mounted, old hands turned to the stats. First the century partnership, then a sensual move up the list of mega-stands. Flash matched his younger companion run for run, both posted individual fifties, then on to a partnership of 150. At this point only seven bigger stands had ever been made for Heartaches in all 33 seasons and 487 matches. The crowd, if awake, were on tenterhooks as the leader’s finest moment (helped by N.Cobb) of 154 in 2002 was left in the shade. Aussie Hipwell still proved a stern test after two sweltering hours. At 163 Flood/Heath was now in the all-time top five with the first-wicket record but two fours away.

The record was not to be. Graham, thinking only of his side, played with devilish insouciance at a Hipwell teaser and snicked it to the alert gauntleted Gould. His 70 was his 35th half-century, a field he already led. Several fewer pounds of Flood than had gone out to bat returned to a great ovation. Once again his all but impenetrable non-back lift had paid off. Out strode TMB Whittome with little time left for carnage before tea.

Glad however gave it his all and Junior even more so. Whittome’s 11 was complied so speedily, and apparently with two cracking cover drives thrown in, that this reporter missed it entirely and on emerging from a canine crisis to see the No.3 trudging back cruelly assumed he had made zilch. There were now at best two overs left for the boy wonder to get his ton. He did so with a terrific climactic burst against two Aussies, racing to 102 not out while Rossmore raced to 1 not out. Will’s phenomenal Heartaches career average had dipped to 98.17 in 2004; this latest broadside lifted it to an almost unhealthy 115.17 with four centuries thrown in. With respect to his ancestor namesake, here the hell did he get this ability from?

T.Rice would have settled for 210 for 2 declared at the start. After tea Hearts made an immediate breakthrough. Great captaincy was responsible. Worried that Rossdale had only scored 3 runs in his first two 2004 knocks (admittedly both times not out) T.Rice made the inspired decision to show he had not lost faith in his leading all-rounder by nominating Dopers to open the bowling. This paid dividends on ball two when the man averaging 115-plus snapped up a delicious offering inches from the ground at silly mid-off. At t’other end Renters was erratic but always threatening, and not too expensive.

St.Anne’s moved quietly to 35 by the twelfth over. Eager and the Haddow-Allen not called Maxie looked confident and well set. Money was beginning to be laid upon the draw and the extension of the unvictorious run. Then Phil produced one of his occasional all but unplayable bendy low full tosses which Eager’s coaching manual had not anticipated. However Hipwell got stuck in with true Antipodean determination. By the time the last 20 began, Stan’s XI were a comfy 66 for 2. The main excitement had been the odd pitch invasion by dogs, during which the players and crowd alike noted how much smaller Sir Christopher’s was than Sir Timothy’s.

An indisputably fine catch on the ropes by none other than the owner of Hearts’ safest hands, Anthony Deal, set the Heartaches onto a new road, one that led to victory. The dangerous Hipwell must have been amazed as Ant showed his reliability in the deep was as strong in his 185th match as it had been in his first back in 1973. None of Deal’s colleagues, as the ball soared towards him, thought for a minute he would put it down – and it took about a minute to get into his grasp.

This turned the tide. Fanshaw removed the obdurate Haddow-Allen. Chicken (sic) was sic as a parrot after stepping out carelessly to a leader’s floater, but had the consolation when he got back to the coop in discovering he had been stumped Sir C. Pryke, bowled Sir T.Rice. Now it was backs to the wall for St. Anne’s. They fought gamely all the way down but something in the tea had turned the lads in red, pink and green into an unlikely unified force; all fielded with zip and all four bowlers used were mean and tidy. Hot Rocks was a revelation behind the stumps.

The entertaining Bhansali did Hearts a favour by running out Nicol and Dopers executed a couple of great caught and bowleds. Or caughts and bowled. Whatever. Don treated Maxie, their leader, to an unanswerable inswinger and Mr. Angry and their umpire finished the job with nearly 8 sun-kissed overs to spare.