Deja vu all over again

Sunday 31st August, Victoria Recreation Ground, Surbiton. St Anne’s Allstars CC (114) lost to the Gentlemen of West London (119-4) by six wickets.

Cricket, it is often said, is a game of 'if's. If only we'd held that catch. If only that batsman hadn't got out when he did. If only Tristan could turn up on time. And if only we could hold our nerve when playing the Gents of West London.

The Gents are without doubt our favourite opponents - splendid chaps to a man and true friends of the Allstars. In cricketing terms they're cannier and more experienced than us, but certainly within our range. We should be able to beat them, but somehow, every time we meet, our batting seems to implode.

In the fixture against them in April we bowled and fielded very well to dismiss them for 118, only for our reply to disintegrate into 98 all out. This time round we fared little better.

Inserted on a green pitch which gave the bowlers plenty of help early on, we were immediately hamstrung by the prolonged non-appearance of my brother, who was due to open the batting. Is there any man - me excepted - who has more often prompted the question: "Where the fuck, is he?"

In his absence, our makeshift top order struggled to make much headway against the Gents' impressive new ball attack: the ever reliable Sanjay Patel and - in his first appearance against us - Nabeel Husain. Bowling quickly and accurately, and later to play a fine innings with the bat, Husain was the clear man of the match candidate and possibly the main difference between the two sides.

His first victim was James Terrett, who in trying to break the shackles succeeded only in spooning a catch to mid on. James Devlin quickly followed, offering a return catch to Patel.

The arrival of Chris Hipwell to join Simon Begley ushered in a period of recovery, his aerial assaults on the slower bowlers complementing Scratch's more classical approach. At 60-2 in the 13th over things were looking pretty good, until Begley - having cover driven beautifully - miscued a cut into the hands of Sherwani at short third man.

With Tristan now at the crease there was no reason to panic, and good progress continued until Hipwell, slightly unluckily, missed an attempted sweep off "Swiss" Tony Buck and was plumb LBW.

It was this dismissal which triggered our collapse, the remaining batting crumpling like a plastic cup in a bonfire. Chris Gould lasted just one ball - bottom-handedly slicing to short extra cover to put Buck on an unlikely (and thankfully non-completed) hat trick.

The Gents had us tied up in knots. Husain bowled fast and straight from one end, Dhruv Patel accurate and skilful with his spin from the other. Neither could be got away.

Nabeel's pace was too much for first James Abrahams and then Matt Butcher, both LBW if rather unjustly in the latter case, with the left hander playing well forward of his crease. But it did give the scorecard something of an Essex v Surrey look: M Butcher lbw b N Husain.

Tristan - his stupendous recent form stifled by Dhruv Patel's guile - eventually lost patience and drove straight back into the bowler's hand. He was replaced at the crease by Roger Pordes, whose unorthodox seven ball innings comprised two fours before losing his middle stump in undignified fashion.

We had hurtled from a healthy 83-3 to a terminally ill 111-9, a situation in no way improved by the fact the next batsmen was me.

In light of the famous events at Higham and Mockbeggar, and more recently against the Mighty Wanderers, some of my unkinder critics have suggested that running between the wickets is not exactly my strong point. And I will concede that my wholly unique approach to the quick single does indeed range between the 'kamikaze' and the 'stupid c**t'.

The real shame this time was that Josh Milligan was batting nicely and I myself wasn't doing too badly - getting bat on ball and hitting a decent pull off Mark Sciberras for two.

But then - another rush of blood to the head. Milligan hits it straight to mid off and I, neither looking or calling, hurtled headlong up the pitch as if being pursued by an Alsatian. I've never actually watched myself running but always assume I lack something in the way of grace and poise - looking rather like Shaggy and Scooby Doo escaping from a ghost.

Anyway, Josh was having none of it and remained in his crease, a fact I blithely failed to notice until fatally too late. Suddenly aware of just how fucking stupid I'd been yet again, I screeched to a halt, gawping first at my motionless batting partner, then at Sanjay, the bowler, removing the bails almost in embarrassment. For a moment I stood stock still, like a rabbit in the headlights, gobsmacked by my own idiocy. I came very close to smashing my bat to the turf in disgust again, a reprise of my disgraceful tantrum in Pinner, but just held myself back.

My teammates bravely hid their sorrow for me beneath a thin veneer of hysterical laughter - but there was no disguising their disappointment. They'd naturally been expecting another of my trademark quick fire 50s.

All this meant we had only 114 to defend on an improving pitch and a strike bowler light. Adam Clements was unavailable for this match due to personal commitments the nature of which I am not at liberty to reveal. It simply wouldn't be tactful. All I will say is that, although he wasn't playing cricket that day, he may well have been bowling a maiden over. He might also have been showing off his googlies. Or even using his middle stump. Either that or he was off shagging somewhere.

To have any chance of saving the match we needed early breakthroughs, and we got one: Tony Buck neatly caught behind off the last ball of the first over.

With Norcott quiet at the other end, incoming batsman Dhruv Patel posed the real danger. He immediately went on the attack, driving uppishly at every opportunity. It yielded a constant flow of runs but also several chances - most failing to go to hand except the one which went to me, and which I of course dropped.

In general, we bowled and fielded as well as we were able, and for a long time we remained in the game. James Devlin - in maybe his best ever Allstars performance - removed Norcott, and soon afterward came a double strike which seemed to put us in real contention.

Patel had been pushing his partners harder for quick singles than they seemed willing and this was to bring about his downfall - hesitation by the batsmen followed by smart work from Abrahams at point leaving him stranded two yards short. Then next ball Hipwell took a brilliant return catch off Gilkes and the Gents were wobbling at 37-4.

Another wicket then and the outcome might just have been different. But it wasn't to be, thanks to our relative lack of bowling and a decisive fifth wicket partnership.

Much credit goes to Sanjay Patel for playing a genuine captain's innings, calmly picking off singles and punishing the bad balls. He never looked like getting out, unlike Nabeel Husain, who offered hope with his early edginess and risk taking. But the longer he stayed, the better and more surely he played, soon finding the boundary with alarming ease and eventually even smacking Tristan over midwicket for six. With each lusty blow, the match slipped further out of our hands.

With just two needed I decided to boost morale by bringing myself on to bowl - fancying myself for the double hat trick we needed for victory. Imagine my delight when my second ball was pulled high to deep midwicket where Devers took a fine catch. Imagine my disappointment when it transpired One Dart had actually stepped over the boundary, and it was actually six. In a way, this rather summed up our day.