The heat is on

Sunday 10th August, Barn Elms, Putney. Bernard Sunley CC (87) lost to St Anne’s Allstars Invitational XI (229-5) by 142 runs.
Scorecard

By James Terrett

I remember making my All-Stars debut last year and being amazed at how bad we were. Clearly left wanting in all departments I held out hope that one day we would be able to compete on level terms with the opposition, such is my upbeat outlook on life.

Hammering after hammering followed, although I never gave up hope, and that must be one piece of good news I can offer Bernard Sunley - a team who will surely bounce back from this kind of heavy defeat in the way we've been able to this season.

This match typified the way we've improved in 2003. We were professional, dogged and I could barely find any fault in our game. It was a complete cricketing performance and I felt sorry for our opposition, a nice bunch of guys who worked hard all day without a shred of luck. And what a game…..

I arrived about an hour and a half late on what became the hottest day in British history to find Maxie had already won the man of the match award. People say winning the toss can have an important outcome on the game, but I felt that by winning the toss and electing to bat rather than stand in 100 degree heat and field all afternoon, Maxie had effectively saved himself from 3 hours of verbal and physical abuse.

The Allstars then wisely spent the time waiting to bat by tanning their Adonis bodies, taking the piss out of the prevailing baldness within our team, whilst Roger carefully made his way through 3 packs of B&H.

Tristan and Adam opened the batting to two very reasonable bowlers (Blane and Watson), although few chances were given. It is fair to say that Sunley's remaining bowlers didn't quite have the same control and it was noticeable to see the runs flowing freely with the lightning quick outfield.

Adam was then bowled by a ball that kept so low, I thought Tony Allcock had come on from the South end. Then came the welcome return of Fat Andrew Dyer. Obviously keeping his eye in on the dusty tracks of Barcelona, he neglected to play his usual turgid innings of utter dross and boredom. Fats went to work on the bowling, carting one enormous six over mid-wicket before holing out to midwicket (again). An unfortunate end for the part-time Thomas Bjorn impersonator.

At 133-2, we felt sufficiently confident to send in James Abrahams, a member of the Allstars' inaugural line-up in 1995 but mostly absent since. Cricket is a cruel game to those who haven't been maintaining their form and James duly chipped one to cover for a disappointing return by his standards.

All this time Tristan was playing an immaculate innings at the other end, at times showboating as he made a hundred in ridiculous temperatures. Clearly a class apart, he still has quite an enormous backside. He was then joined by everyone's favourite Aussie Chris Hipwell who strode to the crease took guard and started carting the ball whenever he got the strike.

Tristan ran himself out on 108 after setting a club record and duly collapsed in the heat. Hipwell was then caught at mid on trying to smash the leather off the ball. Chris Gould then helped himself to the remaining balls in an eloquent fashion, pulling and driving to a very accomplished 25 not out. He needed a partner, however, preferably a short Scottish man who is tight with his money. Luckily we possess such a man and Andy Mac made 7 not out whilst having to endure one 13 ball over which made Bovill's bowling look tight.

Set 230 to win from 30 overs, Bernard Sunley didn't really have much of a chance although their openers batted very well to some excellent opening bowling from Clem and Devers. After several tight shouts for L.B.W. from Clem, Sunley's opening bat Watson appeared to nick one behind. He was given out by his own umpire but half the team thought it had hit his pad and it is fair to say the player was very unlucky. Tristan clean bowled Blane before sitting under a tree and weeping after a long day in the sun.

Hipwell then dazzled with his off-spin, taking the following two wickets - one bowled and the other an outrageous one handed catch from Andy Mac to a skier. Sensing blood, Maxie then sent the big guns in.

The captain called on me to bowl my sinister off-breaks on a varied length with variable width and bounce. He got pies. In all honesty, the unevenness of the pitch made the balls turn and stopped the batsman helping themselves, making my figures look credible. Dyer was then brought in to work in tandem with me - a real test for any batsman. It is difficult to describe Fats's action. He runs in rather like a show-pony in a dressage competition and then gives minimum effort when lobbing the ball. His guile was duly awarded with the wicket of Pocock who literally had no answer to a straight one.

Putting me out of my misery Devlin returned and immediately destroyed the middle order. An inswinging yorker sent the leg-stump of Lee cart-wheeling, followed by a straight and low L.B.W. in front of middle stump. An amazing return to form from one of St Anne's most committed players, and whose use of the C-word can only be rivalled by Jason. Clements finished off his spell by bowling Croom with genuine pace, as Clem felt the game could be improved by arriving at the bar sooner.

Up-stepped Pordes. Like a caged tiger in the field, St Anne's' very own six-times world snooker champion bided his time before attacking the tail with ruthless efficiency. Ignoring his usual safety exchanges, Roger fired in the red and saw the ball leap into my hands at short cover

There then followed a war of attrition for the final wicket. The mind games from Roger took me back to the 1978 final against Perry Mans where poor Perry folded in front of the world. For Mans read Kilgour who collapsed in front of a Pordes special for an L.B.W. leaving Roger with figures of 2 for 3 from 1.2 overs. All this - and the man also got a 45 letter cryptic crossword clue. Magic.

An enjoyable game if somewhat hot, and in the end, a very convincing win for the Allstars. Above all, it was good to see some excellent batting and Roger staking a late claim for player of the season..